Why Talk Therapy Doesn’t Work For Kids

Children are not just mini adults - they have unique needs based on their brain development. When we discuss brain development, we’re mostly talking about three different parts of the brain - the brainstem, the limbic system, and the prefrontal cortex. When we’re born, our brainstem is fully developed, as it controls mechanisms for survival such as breathing, heart rate, etc. Throughout early childhood, the limbic system starts to develop, which is often referred to as the emotional part of our brain. The limbic system is constantly scanning our internal and external environments to search for cues of safety versus danger and for challenges - this is why toddlers and young children often have such big emotions and can be so reactive. The prefrontal cortex is often referred to as the thinking part of our brain, as it controls language, thinking about future consequences, emotional regulation, self-control, impulse control, and more. Our prefrontal cortex doesn’t finish developing until our early to mid-twenties (sometimes into the late twenties). Children’s brain development can create a challenge that caregivers often recognize - children feel and express big and intense emotions but struggle to name their feelings, explain their triggers, and overall have a discussion about emotions. I’ll often hear from parents on initial calls that their children exhibit big behaviors and reactions, but they’re unclear what is driving the behavior, or they try to have discussions with their children about the “why” and hit a dead end - this is where play therapy comes in.

It’s almost like play therapists are trained to speak a different language, and they understand what children are communicating with their play. Based on the themes coming up in children’s play, the felt sense in the therapeutic relationship, and the emotional content of sessions, play therapists get a sense of a child’s inner world and their perspective on the challenges they’re facing. Children have a natural tendency to explore challenges and unprocessed experiences in their play, and over time, it becomes clear which themes to continue to pop up and where a child’s nervous system is at. We can then share these insights with caregivers so they can make adjustments at home and best support their children.

Play therapists almost act like the part of a child’s brain that controls language, and they start to put words to the feelings and experiences children are presenting in sessions - this helps children develop their ability to recognize, identify, and verbalize feelings over time and helps them integrate challenges so they no longer feel “stuck.” Children will often repeat the same behaviors and engage in the same challenges until they feel integrated.

This doesn’t mean that play therapy sessions are void of language, but language is used in a specific way, and play therapists understand the language of play that goes beyond words. For older children who do talk more in sessions, play therapists are able to consider not only the content of what children are saying but also the felt sense and emotional pieces that children are communicating, beyond words. Sometimes play looks like stories, too.

Play therapy allows children to feel deeply seen and understood because they’re with someone who speaks their language and understands what they’re communicating without words.